The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
