Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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