after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
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