Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
he shaved USA in his pubs
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
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