gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
