I just saw a hot homeless man
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
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