i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
