I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
this hospital has no fireball
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Randomize