So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize