you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
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