Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
