I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
