I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize