I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
