There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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