Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize
