Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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