I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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