We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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