Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
