i barfeds in our rink
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Randomize
