Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
