I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
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