drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
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