i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
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