I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
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