If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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