I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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