There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Randomize
