I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
