I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
