mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
