Me. At least after what I've been through.
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
