i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize