He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
