i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
He asked to "fluff my boner.."
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
