I wish I could punch you in the face.
I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
