Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
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