I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
