I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
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