Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
