who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
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