**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
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