i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
