Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
it was like eating out sand paper
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
