I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Randomize
