Even the bartender felt bad for me
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Randomize
