i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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