Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
