I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
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