saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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