How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
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