Well you will be happy to know that aaron carter hit on me
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
