I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
