I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
