My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
