You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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