He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Randomize
