I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
Randomize
