Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
