No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
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