I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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