Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
