I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
