dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
