mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
I checked into jail on foursquare
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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