i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
