Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
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