He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
