Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
